I am no stranger to sharing things. The good, the bad, and the seemingly personal, but this……, this is extremely personal. There’s been a struggle within me about sharing such an intimate thing with the internet. Do I or don’t I? Why or why not?
After talking to my husband, I felt encouraged to open up, and so I actually started considering it.
I looked everywhere on the internet, in the bible, talked to friends and asked elders in church about sex after celibacy, pertaining to our particular situation.
Our situation, in short, was this; I am a Christian and my husband, a Muslim, this isn’t new info. And albeit we did sleep together before we were married, we decided to start again and remain celibate until we got married; it was important to both of us.
Deciding on this route, let’s be honest seems to be fairly common nowadays for a multitude of reasons, which I won’t even begin to delve into.
And while the movement is great at detailing— and exaggerating—the benefits of saving sex for marriage, it is dishonest about the challenges abstinence presents to couples who eventually tie the knot. It doesn’t tell you that the guilt you used to feel when having sex before marriage doesn’t immediately disappear on the wedding night. Neither does it tell you that your once over-active sex drive will need a jump start. It stays completely silence on these matters.
And having no one in my life going through what I experienced was difficult. No one quite understood, and most people get kind of uncomfortable when the subject of sex comes up. Strange, I know. With that being said, I’ve decided that I am ready to speak up about this.
Sex can be a beautiful thing and although it can have emotional consequences, I know I did it when I was ready and when I knew what I wanted sex to mean to me. That sounds absolutely cheesy as I re-read it but right now, that is my truth.
So I can’t pretend that I see sex as ‘only in marriage’ act because that to me is disingenuous.
But I also can’t pretend that when I did do the deed before marriage I felt guilty. I also felt guilty after marriage too for at least the first few weeks. I mean, imagine you spend a good part of your relationship halting wandering hands as they grazed under your blue jeans, and then the second you have the permission from God, it is supposed to ‘automatically’ feel right. Really?
I just don’t buy that but maybe it is just me?
For a long time in our youth groups and among friends, marriage has always been loaded up with huge expectations. It was often presented as the sole remedy for lust, and therefore, great hopes of sexual satisfaction were attached to it.
And albeit learning to say no to our desires is a major part of orienting our lives toward God, and it can often be a life-giving discipline, I think it is important to shed light on the other side to the ‘abstinence movement, rather than just rely primarily on anecdotes.
I am not sure what specifically this post was for, but I want to be a voice and resource for other people. Searching online and finding nothing that helped or inspired or represented what I was going through wasn’t fun. So, when there isn’t a way you make one. I am making one. I want to build a community of people who are not afraid to share their truths. Near and far. Feel free to share and journey with me.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for not judging. And thank you for being kind.
If you would like for me to delve deeper into this topic please just leave a comment below and I will do my very best.
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