I used to feel differently about life.
Life just used to taste different.
I can’t even really explain it.
Things just used to excite me more.
Nowadays nothing really excites me that much but that’s not to say I don’t do exciting things. I do. I do everything that would be considered as ‘fun’ and I enjoy them when I do them, like travelling, eating, writing and so forth.
But when I think back to my childhood I feel like I used to wake up feeling excited.
Nothing used to have to happen, neither did I really used to gain my excitement from external factors. Life was just exciting. Even school was exciting. I got to hang out with my friends for the majority of the day. Now when I hang out with my friends it needs to be scheduled in advance.
Adulthood is relatively boring in comparison to childhood. For me, it is unimaginably hard to stay conscious and alive in the adult world day in and day out.
It’s almost as if I go through milestones, achieve things, watch people achieve things and celebrate these wonderful milestones but all the time I can’t help but feel like I am not truly present.
I show up in the physical and I am genuinely happy but it’s not really unadulterated happiness. 85% of the time I am thinking about the next thing, or something that happened previously and then the other 15% of the time, I’m just simply tired from working too hard the previous day.
I know I am not depressed, but I can’t help but feel this way. I keep thinking that something is wrong with me and wondering if anyone else can relate or if there’s any advice they can share because there are days where I am consumed by this.
Right now I am sitting here on a beach in Cuba and it’s beautiful; the birds, the sand, the water – God made all of this and I am here enjoying it. So why is my mind occupied with all these thoughts that I sincerely wish I could pray away? Thoughts I wish I didn’t have, but I do, so I am trying to sit with them, talk with them and understand them until they leave.
Yes, I know it’s not my usual upbeat self, but there is something glorious in recognising it’s ok to feel like this, and for me, I have only just managed to get these feelings into words. So you don’t have to understand this post, you’re not meant to get everything, but you do get all of me – unfiltered, and you have to accept that without judgment and fear.
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