It has been a while since I have been vulnerable on here.
I guess I have found it hard to really communicate what’s been going on in my soul so I have retreated to my natural state of being and that’s a closed off person.
Life has been pretty busy for me lately to say the least.
A lot has been circling emotionally. Some good, some not so good, but all greeted with gratitude.
I’ve been longing for a new sense of community but struggling with not knowing how to find it as a working mother.
About two weeks ago, maybe three weeks ago actually, I had an emotionally charged day. Things just got heavy for me. I felt like I was carrying the world with no help, no inspiration, and no support. And I know myself well enough to understand that when things feel like they’re overflowing and outpouring, it’s because I am not balanced, taking care of myself, or slowing down to pause.
I hadn’t written in weeks, my time with God was rushed and wasn’t happening as consistently as I needed it, and my mind felt overwhelmed with the daily tasks of being a mum, wife, entrepreneur, and everything else in between.
In the thick of my rough day, I called my sister saying: I am having a meltdown. I need to get myself together. I don’t feel supported, and I don’t know what I need to feel supported. The not knowing is the part that makes me feel even more uneasy and displaced. She responded calmly by saying, I don’t think you need to get yourself together, you’re very together. I suspect you need a moment (or moments) to fall apart a bit.
Reading her reply gave me anxiety! Fall apart? What? No. Why would I need to do that? That is not allowed (cue emotional barrier here). I cannot. I’ve done too good a job at building my emotional boundaries to just fall apart. But after I let my emotions settle down, I knew she was right. I knew that I needed to make space for myself to crumble without shame.
Many of us have done the (hard) work to make sure we are protected emotionally. And if you are like me, you want to honour that sacred work and make sure you are mindful of your boundaries.
However, what has been coming up for me in my meditations and reflections is this:
Boundaries and barriers are not synonymous. Boundaries leave room for growth, adjusting, shifting, and learning. Barriers prevent, keep out, insinuate indestructibility, and aren’t easy to move through.
I noticed there was no space for crumbling or missteps. Keeping it together was the only option. That isn’t healthy for anyone. I am regularly discovering how to move through life in a way that is free. Free of debilitating fear, unhealthy attachments, shame, anger, and judgment of myself and others. Navigating the (uncomfortable) realm of giving myself space and permission to need a moment to completely fall apart will be a work in progress, always.
And that is ok, for me and for you if this is something you can relate to.