Never in a million years did I think when I found the love of my life, did things “right” (right is subjective), and am in the best spiritual, emotional, and financial (because kids are expensive as fuck) space that I would feel like this when I found out I was pregnant.
I know that so many people are wondering and waiting on exact details, photos of baba, if I had a home water birth or hospital delivery…but I decided that this journey as mother (for now anyway) will be (as it should) treated with the utmost care and I’ve put unbreakable boundaries in place.
Why boundaries? Well, there are a few reasons. One I mentioned: sacredness. The second is compassion and gentleness for the feelings of others still going through their journey to motherhood.
I remember feeling so overwhelmed about all things baby related post-wedding three years ago that was shared online.
There was no escaping it, and those feelings of pressure, no matter how put together you are, can seep in and wreak havoc on the emotional space you’re already trying to hold together. Also sometimes it is just nice enjoying your time as a married couple before kids come along, without feeling the need to rush that phase, because of so much shared online.
I am known for being an open book about my story and struggles.
The minute we found out we were pregnant, my whole mindset surrounding being an open book closed. I got super protective and didn’t want anyone but our immediate circle to know.
We only told our parents maybe in month four and told our friends month five.
Initially, I thought that I would scream it from the rooftop.
That I would report to our friends, our online community that we were one step closer to our baba.
And that after loads of close calls, I finally saw ‘pregnant’ on the pregnancy test, we would be so elated.
But that didn’t happen. I shut down and went into mama bear mode. I’m not sure what switched.
Perhaps it was the fact that this pregnancy was our first and it was so sacred and special to us.
We hadn’t worked for it. Truth be told we hadn’t even prayed for it. So it was just unreal that this was happening to us.
So many thoughts rushed through my head, but I honoured every single one that said, “take care of you.”
And that is what I did.
I’m still in awe and it has been months later.
So while some will say, don’t dim your light or hide your joy, I look at it so differently.
Being a mother means so much more to me now than it ever has, and so does community.