Have you ever felt so burdened by the expectations of people waiting for you to make it?
You walk around pretending that you’re free. Pretending that your choices affect no one but you. But deep down that’s a lie.
When your friends are sharing all their plans with you, you can feel nothing but envy because you know that although you have worked so hard to be afforded the same opportunities and privileges, you can’t have the same freedom.
You have to think of everyone else. Even though you have your own shit to deal with, you also have other people’s shit to deal with too.
I swear down, sometimes I wish the burden was heavier so that it can come crashing down and kill me. Maybe not literally but you get my point.
Is it bad that sometimes I would rather die than to feel all this pressure to succeed from the people who count on me? Am I a bad person for thinking in this way?
Because you see the other day my dad showed me around his new flat. You’d think that it would make me happy now my dad has somewhere to lay his head other than going from bedsit to bedsit. But it doesn’t. His flat was empty and the walls screamed nothing but loneliness.
That feeling, the feeling of helplessness entered my soul once again.
I wanted to fix everything. I wanted to buy everything he needed.
Why at the age of almost 60 is his life like this?
Where did he go wrong?
Was he even wrong? Or is it just the way life is?
There I go again, feeling sorry for him when I shouldn’t.
Is this what love is?
Is this how it feels when I tell people I supposedly couldn’t care less?
Because the reality is I care, I care too damn much and it pains to know I care.
But I do.
I have spent the last 2 weeks struggling to conclude this piece then in a conversation with my husband realised that maybe i am unable to create a resolution in writing, to this situation, because i am still yet to find a conclusion in real life. So I apologise if this piece does nothing for you but it has done something for me.