I wasn’t completely honest before.
You know how I said I didn’t want kids because of this and that. More specifically I think my exact words were “I wasn’t ready”.
Well yes, although that’s true. A big part of me is also scared. Not even because of the labour part. That part freaks me out but I genuinely think if other women can do it I can do it too, so I have consoled myself here.
Rather, I am scared about doing it alone.
I grew up watching my mum raise us single handily but it wasn’t always like that.
My dad was very involved in our lives, especially at the start. He would do all the things expected of a husband and more so a father. I loved him and still love him. But then something changed and it wasn’t a change that occurred overnight, it was a gradual shift in neglecting his responsibilities.
I saw it and as a child and then a young woman there was nothing I could do about it and clung on this. This helplessness scares me. What if the same thing happens to me?
This is my worry. I know it’s completely illogical and probably does not have any basis but I still worry. I mean I don’t worry about it every day maybe like once in a while, and then I tackle that worry by praying about it.
Today I thought I would talk about it instead because it might do someone else some good by discussing it.
As human beings, we are constantly evolving and changing. And I can only imagine how much I will change when I become a mother.
I know this change is not limited to just me. My husband will change too. Suli will change! And although change is good, in fact, it’s great. Sometimes it worries me that this change may not be good.
It’s stupid I know because I know that my husband loves me and I love my husband.
Furthermore, I know that we are both children of God so whatever His will is for our lives, I welcome it with open hands. But sometimes I just can’t help but feel this love is too good to be true.
I guess I just get scared and so I want to put these fears on paper in the hope that once I have done this, they no longer exist.
I also want to remind myself that I have my own path and everyone else has their own path too. It’s only natural that what we see growing up, more particularly in our home, shape our lives but we should never let it dictate our future or become fears about our own path, nor should we place these fears upon our spouses. It’s not fair.
Let’s wipe the slate clean.
I am not sure what specifically this post was for, but I want to be a voice and resource for other people. A lot of people only talk about their fears once they have overcome it so I guess I wanted to do something different. I want to build a community of people who are not afraid to share their fears. Near and far. Feel free to share and journey with me. I wanted to share with you what has travelled through my mind this past couple of days, so please don’t judge.
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