Once upon a time, I was unhappy. This is no secret. I’ve shared my tumultuous journey before in I Quit and on my social media platforms.
No one could’ve told me I would be here today alive, enjoying life, learning healthy ways to deal with adversity and in healthy relationships with those around me.
I couldn’t imagine that I would have a career that allowed me to share my voice and story for a living. This, where I am today, felt out of reach at one point. I didn’t have a clue how to achieve happiness, self-love, worthiness, or compassion for others or myself.
Kindness was almost foreign to me on both ends, giving and receiving.
I was accustomed to hurting, sadness, aggression, and unhappiness. There were no true role models in my life to teach me the things I know now.
Suliaman, assured me that happiness could and would arrive, but I had to work for it. And if I truly wanted to arrive at a place of peace, I needed to start within. I needed to forgive those around me, but most importantly I needed to forgive myself.
I knew I wanted to live a full life, but I didn’t know how. I couldn’t grasp that happiness could ever belong to me.
Before diving into forgiving others, I chose to start with myself because home is where the heart is.
Home is where healing is, too. I was my own worst enemy, and no amount of outside forgiveness could settle that issue. Taking to my journal to help with the self-soothing and forgiveness process made the most sense. Writing has always been my saving grace, even in the midst of mess and mistakes.
I forgave myself for not thinking I was worthy of healthy and whole love. I forgave myself for using “daddy issues” as a crutch not to live a life of fullness. I forgave myself for flocking to the wrong type of people romantically and platonically. I forgave myself for not knowing, not learning from my mistakes, and not accepting what I could not change.
The list could go on but every blog post I made during that time of healing reflected some sort of forgiveness that only I could give to me. Once I arrived at my place of peace, I was able to open the door and forgive those around me who contributed to my hurt, pain and anxiety.
It took years and I still have moments of relapse and uncertainty—but at the end, I have the final say when it comes to living intentionally and being happy.
I look at it this way these days, I could either allow myself to stand tall through it or sink. Every time I think sinking would be the better option, I intentionally choose to stand.
Self-forgiveness has taught me to be soft and gentle with myself as I walk through life. It’s taught me to hear others, see others, and understand that we all fall short. We are not perfect beings in this world. Self-forgiveness has reminded me to smile and acknowledge where I have been, and keep my eyes and heart set on where I am going.
…..That’s all I have in me today to give. Self-forgiveness is so important man.