I thought it’d be useful as a newlywed to share some truths with those who wonder how things really are on the other side of the fence, so to speak. Now bearing in mind I am only a month into this ‘world of marriage’ but i thought this would make a good read for me in 5 years time (God willing), when I am sure my thoughts naturally would have developed more, through experience.
Too many times of recent I get asked by friends, family and well wishers and maybe even not so well wishers, “so how’s marriage? How have things changed? How’s the sex and so forth”. Yes people are are really that candid. To be honest I don’t mind answering those questions, it’s just that I don’t know what they expect me to say, so often I just say, “it’s great”. Which in part is the truth, but not the whole truth and it doesn’t really answer the question, does it?
Now, I don’t plan to divulge any ‘secrets’ in my married life so if you think that’s what this is, your best bet is to stop reading now. What I have however attempted to do is give you a thoughtful representation, from a woman, now a wife, who has been mightily in love and in awe of her husband for the last 7 years and one month. Your mileage may vary.
1. At some point in every marriage, you will find yourself sobbing into your pillow over toothpaste caps and if you don’t, you’re a better woman than I am lets just say that.
When my husband and I got married and started living together (which by the way, for the first 2 months was one of the hardest times in our relationship!), no one told us about these ugly moments — when something as simple as clothes being left in the washing machine can cause you to question whether you’ve committed to the right person “forever”. A friend once told me that she felt horrible for questioning her choice of spouse until she told her mum, who has been married for 40 years. “Oh darling,” her mum said, “I ask that question at least once a week.” In the early days of our relationship, I felt ashamed about coming clean about our arguments. Wasn’t I being disloyal? Wouldn’t people think horrible things about us? But the truth is, the more I talked to married couples (married being the operative word here), the more I realised how normal it was to occasionally slam a door, or hide the last bag of crisps, or lay in bed and wonder if you just committed to the same old toothpaste cap fight for as long as you both shall live.
2. No matter how perfect your husband is for you, you’ll find things wrong with him.
The funny thing is that these will be things that you didn’t pay close enough attention to before, such as how loudly he can eat when he is hungry or even how he can forget to put his phone on silent when we go to bed. Whatever these things are, it really doesn’t matter if I am honest. In the grand picture, it doesn’t make you love them less – neither can they change those things (in most scenarios). In fact, I am sure I have a lot of tiny things (well not a lot but yeah) that my husband doesn’t like about me such as the fact that I have tendencies of OCD, things have to be in the right place at all times. The difference between him and me is that he has the restraint not to pick it out, and we as wives should do the same.
3. He is never going to love you the way you love him
By that I mean things are never going to be balanced. There are things I would do for my husband that he wouldn’t ‘think’ of doing for me if I didn’t prompt him. Similarly there are things he would do for me that I wouldn’t ‘think’ of doing for him. I’ll give you an example, yesterday my husband travelled and I walked him to the station to catch the train to the airport. If the roles were reversed he would followed me all the way to the airport. Doesn’t mean I love him less or he loves me more it’s just that we show our love in different ways and that’s ok. When he gets back he will have home cooked food ready waiting for him because I know that’s what he loves.
4. My role isn’t always to be in the kitchen, despite what some people may think
On the subject of cooking, I know the bar is generally set very low for the male gender, but it’s now the 21st century. I love food and I love it even more when I cook and I have someone there to appreciate the food with me. He is that guy. Initially, I thought once I got married I would have to be the one cooking all the time and that to be honest I wouldn’t have minded so much (I know other women are different and that’s fine). But, my husband showed me that he doesn’t want this to be the case . The good thing about him is that he is always looking forward, he says things like, “there will be a time when you can’t cook all the time because of kids or other priorities, so let me get used to sharing the cooking with you’. That’s amazing to me!
5. He is ALWAYS thinking about sex
That isn’t a bad thing! I know hear research often shows that men think about sex more than the ‘average’ woman/girl so if we go on that assumption, how can we ever keep up? The answer is we can’t. I love that my husband thinks of me in that way and I am not embarrassed to say that. I always want to feel physically connected to him as I know there may come a time that the ‘gotta-have-you-right-now’ kind of sex changes the longer you’re in a relationship (and especially when children come into the picture). Now and forever I want him to always view me as the sexiest woman he has ever known. In return, I promise to make an effort, even when I’m absolutely ‘exhausted’.
6. I know, I know, I said 5 (and no I am not going to change the title) but this one is (extra) important for those of us who are married to black men or are dating black men. It is very important to make your house a home
Unfortunately for me, despite me having two brothers, I never really gave much thought as to what life was like for a black man, until I married my husband. He made me see at first hand about the daily struggles black men encounter within a society that routinely sends the message that their lives are not valued. For a black man to look in the mirror and see himself as a man but not have the same autonomy as white men must be terribly crippling. The hardest reality to face as wife of a black man is that it is imperative that I make my house a home, where he can be 100% himself without all the prejudices of this world. I do this by letting him know he is amazing and loving him unconditionally, thus building up his strength and courage to know that he can face another day and achieve all that he needs to for his new family.
And NO. In answer to your question, my blog hasn’t all of a sudden turned into a ‘marriage blog’, it’s just that this is the journey I am on at the moment and find it easy to relate to but definitely very hard to share with you guys, as I am relatively a very private person.
Hope you found this valuable anyhow!
Inspired by an article in the Huffington Post
Be happy. x